12/6/24
Home
I am inside my home, but it is larger. I do not like it at first, then remember we have a big steam room and sauna. I go to the sauna, dad is there. Sit for a bit. He asks me to throw water, I do so, I miss.
I go to another room, there is another smaller sauna. Here I have gotten naked. Mom enters, I put my hand above groin. It feels an ok arrangement. She is also naked, I don’t look at her. Then that Osho bit about looking at the human body with innocence comes, I try. It’s alright. Looking at her thighs I draw similarity to Durga.
The rocks are not hot. She kept touching the bucket. It is hot. I tell her not to.
Then I see Shaman and Megha lying on mattresses, the scenes post a party. I think to myself- the party was so long ago, did we simply forget them here. They wake up.
Next scene Triya is driving me. She is riding a bullet. I am in a very strange position, facing her, on the fuel tank, limp. We are having a conversation. On the way I see Mahie, and ask what’s up. She asks for a cigarette. I say I don’t have one but you can find it ahead. I ask her to join, but she has already began walking away. It is a rejection. Triya did not see the scene, as she is facing in front, but I say something which implies I am the one leaving to fake Mahie. It was a nice ride. I tell Triya she looks ugly- like wasted ugly, her eyeliner and eyelashes were messed up. Must have been some party we all had.
I meet Arjun, and on the way to a place, he passes himself and tells himself the shorter hair looks good. Then he says a latin phrase, saying he enjoys when people have the inner child within. He said it in dream-yesterday too. He has a very ethereal, zen like quality to him.
We see Naman at the entrance, wrapping his finger with a bandage, he gives us two options to choose from for his wrap. It is a broken finger and I advise him to get help.
The society is Nioimi’s. Its entrance is a road under maintenance- it is a horizontal slash of gravel filling a hole.
We find a place to sit
He asks how often I have a sense of the supernatural
I said strong, enough to feel people won’t get it
He says he has a very strong sense of intuition
About people, about a wife ‘Warm wife happy life’ I make a necrophilia joke out of it
I am resting my head on his knee
Durga and Manisha (later to be said her boyfriend) pass us by.
I say Durga. She turns. She is on a skateboard, tells manisha she will join. Durga is wearing jean shorts and a very 90s teen outfit. Pink large t-shirt. It feels like she is going through a phase. Manisha introduces herself as the boyfriend in the relationship.
Many of her people come in. Until we are surrounded by her friends.
I feel sad, like I lost her.
She is laughing and having fun. In a moment she looks at me and asks ‘I’ve changed right?’ Mouthing please. She wanted me to say it for everyone to hear.
Everyone kept chattering. I said guys, then yelled multiple times to get them to shut up. It was a bit embarrassing, because nobody listening on the first shout is embarrassing, but went through it. Once everyone was quiet I say you have changed.
She shows me the bracelet she had first given me, telling me she’s never taken it off once- except for storage in her bag. She tells me she tells Manisha it is to remember her mistakes.
Then they leave I guess. It is Arjun and me and some other dude. He has a mic and guitar. Arjun begins to sing.
I feel quite frozen and it was an emotional, intense dream.
I hear the chorus of a song, female voice, going like:
Angels sing as the years have gone by
A heavy dream. Thank you for it. This is what I wanted. Dreams that motivate me to dream journal. I want to lucid dream. I want to learn more about myself and the world through my dreams. I want to experience life through my dreams. Be guided by my dreams. It pleases me to know I said she had changed, ego would not have allowed it. It was good to surrender.
The dream has told me how much I miss her. She looked so happy. I do long for her. Perhaps I long for a happiness I could not give her. I wanted her to look that happy with me. Yet so many insecurities I possessed. I was incredible possessive and afraid of losing her. So I did. The bruise seems egoistic, to feel hurt because someone wasn’t happy with you. The pain feels me, that I was egoistic and hurtful toward her.
Perhaps I do so because that is the deepest relationship I had, and I seek to return to intimacy. Perhaps this is only chasing an imitation. Being alone, understanding myself and this feeling, is the best course of action. What has passed has passed. Let it go now- it will happen.
Day 10 ish I believe of not watching porn.