Teaching Internship

Blessings unto all of my teachers, they saved me from being lost. Now, I am alone, and I must find my own way. Just one day being nobody, not a teacher nor a successful student, was enough to bring me so down.

I felt like a failure today. I looked at a classroom which Naghma ma’am was good enough to ask me to speak to. What could I tell them? That I threw life away? That I am nobody? That I failed my childhood vision of being madly successful by now?

This is the world I live in my head. Rohan sir said I spoke well. They all clapped when I said I want to become a teacher. This is the world outside.

I wished to run away, give up. I know this feeling all too well by now- wanting to run away. I also know what happens when I stay- I get stronger. I ran away in the US. Now, thankfully, I know when gold is near. I know to stick it out and take the tougher route. Something kid me knew all along.

Pain makes me stronger. This is the truth. This pain comes when I face myself. See myself in the mirror. It humbles me. For humility is the only way out of this pain.

For example, as a younger one I felt critical of Miss Naghma. Those around me did so too and were outspoken. To be truthful, my teachers have given me something priceless- values that could only be obtained by experience. What I mean is this- teachers being my best friends as a child ensured I always had access to a mature outlook. I wasn’t influenced by my peers until recently. Having experienced both, I choose older people. I want to be surrounded by experiences and give them meaning.

Old soul in a new world is what they called me, and I lay claim to that. I was never young, wild and free. I was always a heavy, strong and emotional presence. I love too deeply.

This person, who I was in my head, is not real. He is in the sky, for in reality all is pain. This is fine.
Back to Miss Naghma, I realised today, even though she made fun of my club, that she let me speak. She did not have to. I appreciate her giving my first address to a class. I would like to befriend her and apologise for my meanness. I guess, what I am saying is, I am willing to learn from her. See her side of things and let my ego aside.

I let the desire for youth go. I don’t wish to run away. In pain, we are humbled. For when we are down, we can relate to others. It is an opportunity. We can empathise with the pain of others, and realise we are human. I have been away from my humanity for so long, choosing a dream over it. Running away from pain.

I bare my soul to the world now. I will learn from each and every individual I come across, and bring value to their lives by see them. I won’t judge or criticise anyone. This kills the soul. It spits in the face of existence, who like a loving mother will forgive us. But once you realise that you are spitting, stop. Join your hands and ask for forgiveness. Not because you are guilty, all guilt is absolved when you realise.

All guild is absolved when you realise, so why are you apologising and wanting forgiveness? Because that is love. To ask for forgiveness is recognising the greatness of the other, that they allowed you to commit a mistake. It may make you feel lighter. If forgiveness is not feeling right, then have gratitude.

Gratitude that the lesson you were meant to learn is finally seen.

Let go of the past now, focus on the present.

I do have something to say, I do have something to contribute to the next generation. What this something is, I can access only with humility. I am sick of this race, of proving I am something. Of one-upping someone else. This is a beautiful life, it has difficulty too. It is a relationship like any other, which deepens through conflict.

I meet others not for myself, but believing I am sent to help. This help will be direct. It will be direct and clear before the action. Otherwise we fall in the trap of acting and then justifying ourselves- I acted mean to her so she could learn a lesson of dealing with mean people. This is an excuse, for no lesson will need you to act meanly.

Speaking of acting, I want to be a funny actor. I want people to laugh and gain deep lessons. I do not wish to cause anyone pain or inadequacy. This idea of hitting people where it hurts to wake them up, that is not my approach. I saw a spiritual guru do this to my brother, where he deliberately poked at his pain. I am sorry for having exposed him to this. Forgive me brother. This is a mean approach. It is a toxic approach, like a boyfriend who calls hitting his woman a form of love.

Here is a beautiful secret- we can make our lives wonderful. We hold onto coals, and refuse to drop them. You can lecture someone all day, about why they should drop the coal. I do not wish to lecture. I wish to reach my hand out, because I believe in the depth of our souls, we will drop anything to hold onto someone’s hand.

Thus, if you wish to heal someone, do not lecture. Become involved, and give them your hand. It is simple, and needs no knowledge or persuasive skill. Only the courage to put yourself out there. This is worth it.